Why jobs are like boyfriends

When I got laid off in July, I was bummed out. I sat around by myself, I cried, I ate and drank things I probably shouldn’t have. I discovered websites I didn’t know existed through hours of daily Internet surfing.

Now I’ve been looking for a job the last three months, with little to show for it (except an updated resume and a bunch of business cards from people I’ll probably never talk to again). Then I realized, looking for a job is like looking for a boyfriend. Observe.

The break-up

Sure, we had disagreements and fought once in awhile … but I thought I was pulling my weight. I helped out when I didn’t need to. I made you feel good when you were down. I gave you my heart, and you stomped on it. With no forewarning, nonetheless. What did I do wrong? Of course, I had to figure we were both having problems and dragging this out longer than necessary. But we were both comfortable, weren’t we?

Do I talk too much? Did I ignore you? Did I break the fax machine one-too-many times? And much like a severed relationship, I’m left wondering why instead of just moving on and getting over it.

Nesting

Now what do I do with all the hours I would usually spend with you? I can’t go and hang out at your place. That would just be weird, and needy. Instead I sit on my couch for hours watching terrible daytime talk shows and rented movies. I sit in my pajamas and I don’t shower until 2 PM. I eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Along with ice cream, pizza and cheeseburgers.

When I’m feeling a little better, I try to find some fellow singles to go out on the town on a Tuesday night. But I can’t because ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE JOBS.

The first date

Finally, for weeks, I’ve been searching and searching for that someone special. We meet online and notice a connection. Hey good lookin’. Say, you’re in the Milwaukee area? You need someone with my kind of experience? You like grammar and correcting typos? Let’s meet!

We decide on a day, find the location and pick a time to meet. I have to dress to the nines and make sure I’m on your A-game. I’ve only got one chance to make a good, lasting first impression.

When I get there, I have to talk about myself. Incessantly. Not only that, but you have to make yourself sound good. Not only that, I have to make sure I ask you questions too.

The callback

This is usually done by phone or email. Texting in either situation is absolutely unacceptable. So far, I’ve received at least a dozen emails before and/or after an interview saying why I’m not their type. “You don’t have enough experience,” There were so many well-qualified applicants and it was difficult to choose,” or, my personal favorite, “I’m not sure you’d move for me.” (Not a direct quote) Fine. I’ll move one. It’s not like we knew each other that well anyway.

But the trouble always is, you don’t always know exactly why they didn’t pick you. You can’t read minds, and ask that potential employer why they made the decision they did. What’s that person you picked got, that I ain’t got?

Going steady

I’ve dragged the metaphor on, you can probably figure this one out. It’s when the job you’ve been seeing says they want to offer you a place in their heart. Or a cube, as it were. You want to support me and give me insurance? Let me celebrate holidays with you and meet all your friends? That sounds swell.

In all respects, I’m still single. Sure I’m playing the field right now with a few freelance opportunities; but I have yet to lock down that lasting relationship.

That said, I can still say I learn from every job I meet. I realize that some of the interviews I go to, I wouldn’t want to work for a particular person or company. Or I realize that I really, really want that job … but they found someone that can type faster, joke better or has more, ehem, experience than me.